Beltane, Bedtime, and Other Blessings

Beltane just ain't the same since having kids, I tell ya. The best I was able to do this year in recognition of the day was to dig out an old favorite, written long before I became a mother:

May Day


Ring me round with laughing children, dancing
around and around in the pale daffodils,
the yellow, nodding flowers chancing spring.
Rosy sky wipes wet hands down her skirts, spills
pockets brimming with sultry, heavy air.
Full puddles standing in the glossy street
of gravel-gilded pavement call for bare
posies of children’s toes — pink, tiny, sweet.

Ashes of memory, now — bitter, gray.
Ashes only, no longer the burning.
We slog through this muddy field on May Day,
all alone, sodden socks blistering. Yearning.

Fall just once to your naked knees. Stumble
down and stop. Now rise, kindled and humble.

-- by Jennifer Johnson, all rights reserved

***
I find myself re-reading this poem almost every spring, and this year it rang especially true. 2009 was a rough year for our family. S's schedule was beyond crazy much of the time, and multiple stressors kept us both on edge all too often (and, I'm sure, affected the kids as well). We did a heckuvalot of slogging during last year, with not nearly enough dancing.

This spring, I truly am feeling (re)kindled. The bonfire ain't blazing yet, but at least the embers are glowing strong again and a few sparks are popping out of the flames. Thanks to S's new schedule and our move to the new place, things are definitely looking better.

I had a very humbling moment recently as I was re-reading an excellent book about food and parenting: Ellen Satter's Child of Mine, Feeding with Love and Good Sense. I'd picked it up because I was getting frustrated with BB's eating habits, and I soon realized that it was timely reading in general. Here's the excerpt that really got me:

"... my goal is to help you feel comfortable in your role as parent so you can enjoy feeding and eating with your child. Rather than getting bogged down with your sense of responsibility or carried away by your agenda, remind yourself of why you decided to have a child in the first place. I hope a major reason is for the sheer joy of it. It is a grand privilege to have a front-row seat on someone else's life. If you let your child surprise you and keep your own ego out of it, she will provide the leavening for your concern about doing the right thing as a parent. Certainly do your homework, but then set the homework aside and pick up your sense of wonder and your sense of humor. Relax and enjoy your child." (p. 29)

I had to swallow a pretty danged big lump in my throat when I read that. Of course I enjoy my kids. But not always in the most relaxed of ways. I'm working on that.

So when the kids ask if they can go play in the rain on the patio, I say yes.

When BB wants to go for ice cream while wearing her Snow White dress, I say yes.

When the kids want to share the same bed and giggle together for quite some time as they settle down into sleep, I say yes.


(This last one has been so sweet to witness. During the last two weeks, the kids got the notion that they'd like to snuggle together at bedtime, and now most nights they sleep in the same bed. I couldn't resist sneaking in and taking a picture.)

".... do your homework, but then set the homework aside...."

Ah, yes. I'll be the first to admit that I'm a homework kind of gal. Family lore has it that when I went to kindergarten, I got all upset because there wasn't any homework -- so I asked for some, and I was given some worksheets to do at home. It made me so happy. For me, Doing Your Homework is a basic element of existence. (Little wonder, then, that if I'm having trouble or wanting to solve a problem I naturally turn to reading about it. See above, pulling a parenting book off the shelf when I'm having trouble as a parent!) So much so that I end up worrying about the homework and not realizing that The Children Are Right Here, Laughing and Dancing Around Me! Here And Now!

And here's the kicker -- I could be dancing with them! If only I'd get up and take their hands.

I know that the responsibility stuff, the homework stuff, the yearning will still be a big part of my life -- especially my life as a mother. But this Beltane, I reaffirm once more my intention to relax, enjoy, and accept the privilege of parenthood. Being a mother is one of the brightest blessings in my life. I hadn't forgotten that -- I doubt I could -- but it is a great, humbling goodness to remember it once more.